My anxiety has never been “mild” as I’ve always been a pretty anxious person. I’ve gone 6 months having panic and/or anxiety attacks almost every day. Then a few years ago I started developing phobias that I knew where irrational, but the way the chemicals balanced in my brain, it didn’t matter.
I’m convinced buildings will fall at any time and that bridges will collapse beneath me. The vibrations of cars and people walking send me into a panic and my mind goes to the worst place possible. My eyes dodge from side to side trying to find the smallest cracks that could bring these structures down. My heart races and my whole body gets unbelievably hot. I can’t even put into words all the things that are happening at once because my mind is racing so fast. Some days are better than others and some days I have to drive out of my way to avoid the structures that send me into an uncontrollable downward spiral. These are the moments that break me. These are the moments people judge the most because now it’s not over a simple math test, now you’re a real life dramatic movie scene.
I live in a city surrounded by the things my anxiety fears most. Yes, I could have moved elsewhere, but here’s the thing, I wasn’t about to allow my anxiety to win. I wasn’t about to not experience life because my anxiety didn’t comply. I refuse to sit back and let it win because I am not my anxiety, it will not consume me. Every day I battle through the rumbles and vibrations because sometimes you have to tackle your mental illness full force determined to come out the victor. Some battles will be harder than others, but some battles are worth it.